Saturday, August 20, 2011

"Where's the goat food?"

First off, we'd like to humbly apologize to our hundreds of dedicated followers for your patience while we've been away. Despite what you may assume, we were not being lazy, sleeping in, or watching Smallville. We were painfully slaving away at our minimum wage jobs where we are unappreciated, underpaid, and overworked. every. single. day.


The only reason we put up with bickering customers on a full time basis is to pay our way through junior college. And because we get take home Olallieberry turnovers. Pronounced : Oh-La-Luh-Berry.

How much are the Ollen-berry pies?
Are there any more Oll-uh-luh-lie-la-berry turnovers?
How do you say it... Olive-berry?

The problem with thing about our "Where's the goat food?" job is that 99.9% of the people who come in are tourists.

You'd probably picture tourists to be average sized white people wearing safari hats and hawaiian print collared shirts, with noses covered in SPF 85.

This is their true identity:

Not to be confused with...

Once a person falls into the tourist syndrome they immediately lose all cognition and their bellies  become their brain. "Where's the goat food?" No longer are they distinct individuals; they move in herds and the only recognizable sound that comes from their mouths is "MOOO."

For example,

"Hi, how are you doing today?" - Humble cashier
"How much are your pies?" - Pig
"I'm great thanks. They're $13.95."
"Are they doing hay rides today?" (In between chomps of corn)
"Yes, they are. Have you had a good vacation?" (As we flick chewed up corn off of our shirts)
"Okay, give me 5 more of these turnovers."
(We frantically run across the barn, through the swine, to retrieve 5. more. turnovers.)
"Here you go."
"Oh, we decided we're not going to get those."
"No worries, (fake smile) have a nice day."
(Whispers) "Thank you. I will too."

Note: this is an every day annoyance occurrence. However, we do our best to always shrug off the rudeness and laugh.

So the moral of this story is #1. We are so sorry for being away. #2. Cashiers are humans too. And you DO NOT need a plastic bag for every. single. item.

"And Ma'am, the goat food is right in front of you."

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

She's The Man- Part Two

While QB was mentally preparing herself for her date, Micro and Cowgirl were coming to grips with the possibility that QB could fall in love with Mr. Date, get married, and leave them behind at the red house. We began envisioning our lives without QB: sitting in rocking chairs on our front porch, eating bon bons, and discussing the digestive habits of our six cats.

Needless to say, we were at an all-time low.

And then...we began to panic.

"What if he's a creep???" Micro and Cowgirl whispered to each other.

"What if he kidnaps her and takes her to...Bakersfield?!"

"He could be 50 years old and we don't even know it!!!"

"What if he doesn't like Smallville?!"

Thoughts were running wild in our heads, and we had to do something about it.  We couldn't just sit at home and drift into the deep deep despair that we were single QB could leave us forever.

We only had one option:

We must spy on them.

But how would they not notice us? We needed to be something as inconspicuous as a fly on the wall.  But that wouldn't do because flies are much too small. It was either old ladies, chubaka, or men.

"That's it, we will sacrifice our beauty time and energy for the greater good of our roommate's safety and peace of life.  We must be men."

We couldn't risk getting caught, because if Mr. Date was cool, we would ruin all of QB's chances of finding true love. We couldn't have him thinking that we were weirdos who had no life.

So we made a trip to our brothers' Bat Cave, and the charades began.

After a small meltdown bout of feeling ugly, manly, unattractive, worthless, fat, hairy, and insecure, we confidently strutted out into the busy nightlife like the young and prideful Zac Efron and Tom Welling.

Attention: Please be prepared for what you are about to see.  We are very convincing hideous men. When we put our minds to something we take it verrrrrry seriously.  This is no laughing matter.
         Cowgirl as a homeschooled, sprouting (ewww bad choice of word) youth.
Micro as a fat bro with a big ego.
                                                     It doesn't get much sketchier.
Side note: Guys have the most comfortable clothes. It's really not fair.

As we were walking downtown, we decided that talking to strangers was a bad idea.  If we smiled, we would give our true feminine beautiful, lovely selves away. So we decided to do a "walk by." It's kind of like a drive-by, except no guns or lifted Cadillacs.

As we walked by the coffee shop, we saw the two lovebirds sitting different tables??? They were sitting at least four feet away from each other.

We both took a long sighhhhhh of relief.

We continued to stroll down the street whilst staring at the not so lovebirdy couple.

"Oh no! Did he see us?" Micro.

"Just keep walking, remember the man walk the boys taught us! Oh my gosh! Hunch over more, you're looking a little busty!" Cowgirl.

"Friggin' boobs!" Micro.

We briskly walked as fast as a man could walk (we all know they can't walk that fast).

Luckily, we managed to nonchalantly stroll away from the intent glare of Mr. Date.

The night concluded with us racing home before the clock struck midnight, and we turned back into exceptionally graceful feminines to greet the homecoming of the awkward pair.

We'd like to end this story with just one redeeming photo of our stunning femininity.  Just so you don't walk away with the kind of taste in your mouth that you get when you see the butt hole of a dog open as it craps. Excuse our rudeness, we just got done being men.

                                           "Aren't we convincing?"

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

She's the Man- Part One

Let me just start off with some wise advise: Never go on a date with a co-worker.

 Especially when instead of asking you on a date, he tells you that he's going to take you out on a date. Red Flag. 

This is how it should go down...

-Oh hey QB, I bought you roses. 
-Wow! Thank you! What's the occasion?
-Well, I was kinda hoping that I could take you out to dinner sometime. I made a reservation at a sea side, glass bottom restaurant. 
- Why yes, of course. I thought you'd never ask. 

This is how it went down...

-QB, I'm gonna take you out on a date. 
-Uhhhhhh. Okay.
-Awesome, I'll text you.

That's a curious way to ask a girl out. He's nervous. I thought. I'll let it slide.

Because he lacks a driver's license, he picked me up... by foot. Red Flag. And we walk downtown to a coffee shop.

The walk to the coffee shop was... um.. interesting. But for some reason I thought a date consisted of both people talking. Red Flag. 

-Bla bla bla bla bla bla bla. Oh my goodness, QB. I'm talking way too much. What about you?
- *Nervous laugh* Oh no, it's ok. Well...
- Oh! But I forgot to tell you BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA BLA. 


When we finally arrive at the coffee shop, I couldn't figure out if he was going to pay for my drink or not. Awkward.

He did though. What a nice guy. I thought.

Pssshh. Yeah right. A whopping 4 bucks.

The nervous chatter begins.

These are the facts he learned about me:
  1. My favorite color is blue.
  2. I'm quarter black. 
  3. I like chai tea lattes. 
  4. I have two siblings. 
  5. I love Jesus.
  6. My parents are awesome. 

These are the facts I learned about him:
  1. He never got his driver's license because he didn't think he ever needed it. 
  2. He travelled with county fairs and farmers markets and worked at an oxygen bar. 
  3. He's majoring in Drama. Red Flag.
  4. He wants to become a CALVIN KLEIN UNDERWEAR model. Red Flag.
  5. He had "the most epic first kiss" with some chick. 
  6. He thinks it would be best if people could make up their own religions. 
  7. Video games are his favorite free time activity.
  8. He purses his lips and looks down and to the left at the end of every sentence. 
  9. He doesn't like Smallville.

The list goes on and on and on.

All throughout his endless spiel there were two things going through my head.

Poor kid. He sounds like an idiot. and How do I let him off easy when he asks me on a second date?

When we finally arrived back at my home, I couldn't care less about what else he had to say and I couldn't wait to hear about Cowgirl and Micro's evening adventures.

To Be Continued...

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Stereotyping Our Lives.

Cowgirl, Micro & QB
This is us. We're three college girls living in the happiest city in the United States. Not to mention, the city most populated with really really annoying tourists. But that's another blog post in itself.

Life has brought us together. Oh wow, that was really cheesy. Although, it really is the truth.

This blog will be a collection of real-life adventures and mishaps purely for your enjoyment and our reminiscence.

Now, I'll let you in on the reasoning behind our nicknames (indicated above), before you over think it and confuse yourself.

 Let's start with Cowgirl. You could say that "farm life" is her thing. Her passion. She's way too modest to say that she's gosh dang amazing with horses and stuff. However, the more stereotypical folks in Cowgirl's life have categorized her as being simply a cowgirl. Nothing more, nothing less.

This means that every holiday...

horse socks, horse t-shirts, little plastic horses, horse underwear, horse posters, and the all time infamous horse calendar.

We coined the name Cowgirl for her mainly because...she hates it.

Next is Micro. We don't actually ever call her Micro but we once decided that this was an appropriate name for her.  The science classes she's taken have had a profound effect on her; she's paranoid, a partial hypochondriac, and she knows way too much about diseases.

Micro: microscopic, microbiology, microorganism, microtubule, microevolution, microwave....


If your local library is closed or your internet connection is down, and you absolutely have to know why this rash on your arm isn't going away, or why you haven't had a bowel movement in days...Micro and her medical dictionary are ready to assist you.

And finally, QB.

"Quarter back?" you ask. Nope. Quarter black. Wuss up.

QB is our "in" to what it's like in da' hood. If it wasn't for her, we wouldn't know that Colby Bryant was actually Kobe Bryant, or that phrases such as "I gotta bounce, G." roughly translated means, "Unfortunately I have to leave now, but thank you for your company, it was much appreciated."

Stay tuned for our next post.  We have yet to release more fun and embarrassing facts about our "oh so interesting" lives.


Cowgirl, Micro, and QB.